Saturday, March 29, 2008

"Hottest" New Products - Too Hot to Handle??

Rumors are flying in the industry about the hottest hot new products featuring capsaicin and other chile pepper derivatives that are about to hit the market. You may have read in the news about the wrinkle-minimizing effects of capsaicin-laced face creams, or weight-loss benefits of hot-pepper-enriched diets, and you might know that pepper spray really is made from peppers. Well, I bet you didn't know about these hot new hot products coming soon:

1. Extreme Espresso: When a triple-espresso super-venti extra caff cup of joe no longer does the trick, it's time to jolt yourself awake with Extreme Espresso, which is a shot of espresso spiked with a drop of pure habanero pepper extract. One gulp and every neuron in your brain will be firing at top speed! And for folks who prefer a frothier brew, there's the Capsaicin Cappuccino, known as a "Cap-Cap(TM)" among hip baristas and customers at a well-known chain of coffee shops. Look for the Extreme Espresso and Cap-Cap only at the most cutting-edge coffee bars and cafes.

2. Peri Peri Perimeter Defense System(TM): This is the logical extension of those little hand-held personal defense pepper canisters. The Peri Peri Perimeter Defense System harnesses the incendiary firepower of the Peri Peri Pepper to create an intruder defense system for your home. Simply install the Peri Peri Perp Preventers(TM) around the perimeter of your home, and arm the system like a regular home alarm whenever you want to activate protection against burglars, trespassers, door to door solicitors, bratty neighborhood kids and other unwanted visitors. When the Peri Peri Perimeter is penetrated, a powerful blast of highly-concentrated Peri Peri Pepper spray douses the intruder, completely in"cap"acitating them and redering them harmless. Just make sure to follow the instructions, since you don't want to trigger a false alarm with this system!

3. Cap-Shot(TM) Mouth Spray: Similar to traditional minty mouth sprays for instant fresh breath, the Cap-Shot spray is sure to be a hit among serious chileheads and capsaicin addicts who can't wait until their next meal for a "hit" of hot sauce. Until now, capsaicin addicts have had to bear the stigma of carrying a bottle or two of real hot sauce (not that wimpy grocery store stuff) in their pocket wherever they went to make sure they didn't suffer through the painful and embarrassing symptoms of zest withdrawal induced by consecutive bland meals. The discreet and powerful Cap-Shot spray is the answer to a chilehead's prayers, packing the undiluted intensity of pure capsaicin extract in each blast. But in addition to giving you a legal endorphin high, the Cap-Shot has been found to also assist in weight loss among non-addicts by temporarily rendering them unable to taste anything (and depending on their sensitivity to hot & spicy foods, this effect may linger for a day or more).

4. Ephemera(TM), the Ultimate Ghost Pepper "Ghost Hot Sauce": I was a little nonplussed when I was given a sneak preview of this top-secret, not-yet-available-to-the-public hot sauce made only with the purest Jolokia pepper extract and purported to be the hottest hot sauce ever created. The Jolokia pepper, also called the "ghost pepper", was recently recognized as the hottest variety of chile pepper in the world, rating over 1 million Scoville units. Well, Ephemera Ghost Hot Sauce is made with such an intense concentration of Jolokia pepper extract that it truly is a spectral hot sauce. In other words, it's invisible to all but the most knowledgeable hot sauce fanatics. Not only the sauce is invisible - even the bottle is nothing but a ghost. And I confess that I couldn't see it when it was "shown" to me (and I thought I was quite the hot sauce expert). But don't be fooled into thinking there's nothing there -- you'll know otherwise when you carefully place a pinprick drop of Ephemera on your tongue! We're in the process of adding Ephemera to the Carolina Sauce Company store in the very near future (assuming we can hire someone who can actually see it and therefore keep track of how many we have in stock), so you'll soon be able to order a bottle for yourself. Just don't be surprised when you open the package and find what appear to be only some packing materials in an otherwise empty box - remember, Ephemera is the ultimate Ghost Hot Sauce and is invisible to all except the most sophisticated chileheads. Trust me, we really did ship you a product, so if you can't see it, it simply means you're not yet ready for Ephemera and need to complete your peppery education by buying and trying more different types of hot sauce!

Zestfully yours,

No comments:

Post a Comment